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“I contacted Helen to write a "Dotty Ditty" as an original present for a close friend on her Hen Night. After supplying all the necessary personal details, Helen subsequently turned it into a hilarious ditty in an incredibly short time. Aside from her writing, her talent, in my opinion, is her ability to instinctively know the person whom she is writing about, even though she has never met them! When I read the ditty out on the hen night, it was the best moment of the evening and raised a great deal of raucous laughter.

Should the occasion arise in the future, I would have no hesitation in contacting Helen again and, indeed, I have already confidently recommended her services to several friends and colleagues. Helen's professionalism and efficiency are second to none”

Lynne McIlroy
My Secret Valentine

My tongue hangs from a distance
Oh if you only knew
How many times I've fallen over
While I've been watching you.

You go about your business
So blissfully unaware
Of this hot and passionate woman
Who can only dribble and stare.

Your funny little grin
And your cocky sort of walk
The expressions on your face
And the husky way you talk.

The way you eat your fish 'n chips
Those jumpers that you wear
The way you scratch your navel
Oh God! I'm in despair!

You're really quite frustrating
'cause you just miss all the signs
The excuses I've made to talk to you
It happens all the time.

I've bought a wretched play station
In your grotty pub I wait
I've even gone to Man. United
And seen bands I really hate.

I've bought so many pints this year
Concert tickets they weren't cheap
Football matches cost a fortune
The Play Station made me weep

So what am I to do now?
I breathe a heavy sigh
I'm at a loss quite frankly
As to how to catch your eye.

Now I know you like a buxom girl
With a fuller sort of figure
And a round and cosy cleavage
So this has been my trigger.

So when I next set eyes on you
You'd better damn well see
That I've spent 4 grand on my mammary glands
Now please will you go out with me!
© Dotty Ditties 2001 - 2003